Trying again

I always come back to this.  I guess it's because typing is easier and more convenient than writing.  I find blogging to be very cathartic but for some reason I never stick to it.  I don't do it for anyone else but myself.  I guess this time I came back because I need an outlet.  I want some place to gather my thoughts.

It's been almost a year and a half since Lance and I separated.  I'm still struggling with it.  In fact, I don't really know how to describe the myriad of feelings I have about it all.  A friend recently told me that grief is like an ocean... it ebbs and flows.  There are days (mostly nights) when I'm so overwhelmed by it that I cry myself to sleep.  Other times when I feel the unsettling thoughts creeping in I am able to ward them off by intentionally thinking about something else.  I don't know why that method works only sometimes.  I guess the emotions build and when I can no longer ignore them I am forced to purge.  I don't like it.  I feel worthless.  I feel like a failure.  I hate myself for what I did.  I can't reconcile with myself.  I often wonder how long it will take for this grief to end, or if it will follow me throughout my life.  I can honestly say that divorce is the single worst experience I have ever had and it has taken it's toll on me.  I now weigh 40 pounds more than I did before the divorce.  The weight came on so rapidly over the last year that I have massive red stretch marks all over my stomach and thighs.  I hate the way I look.  I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life.  I feel ugly all the time.  My recent attempts at losing weight have been unsuccessful.  I am so ready to feel (and look) healthy again... but I don't know where to start.  When I exercise it feels like I'm getting nowhere.  It's going to take a long time to lose 40+ pounds.  And food.  I just can't stop eating everything that I know is horrible for me... but I keep telling myself that "I've done it before, I can do it again."