Own it

So I was shopping at VS and got into a discussion about bra sizes with the salesperson.  I was humiliated to be going up a size (again!) and she looked at me and said “you have a great body!  Don’t be ashamed of your size, you should own it” … so that got me thinking.  I am currently about 40 pounds overweight and it’s no secret.  The last year and a half of my life has been pretty stressful.  I like to eat.  Eating is therapeutic, but at some point my body started to say otherwise and now here I am.  I desperately want to lose all the weight and then some, to be a size 2 again like I was in college when I was in the best shape of my life.  Being a size 2 wasn't necessarily any healthier than my current size, but I felt better about myself.  Where does it end?  It seems like every woman goes through this constant struggle to find the magic numbers on the scale or in the closet.  Yes, I need to lose weight to be healthy, but how much weight?  I don’t need to be a size 2 again, but I beat myself up all the time because I’m not a size 2.  I have literally 5 boxes in my closet with clothes that are too small… from size 2 all the way to 12.  I hold onto them hoping that one day I’ll be able to fit in them again.   Now here’s the kicker – tomorrow I turn 29 years old.  I am almost 30 people!  I need a realistic expectation of what my body can and should look like at 30.  I was 21 when I was a size 2.  Now I’m an almost 30 year old divorced woman with a 3 year old (and of course because I didn’t give birth to him, I can’t use THAT as my excuse for the weight). I’m having an identity crisis, and it seems to be tied to my weight.  I guess I’m putting this out there because I need some advice from the women in my life.  When do we decide that we are finally happy with ourselves, no matter the size?  When do we stop worrying what the world thinks about our size?  Am I striving to be healthy or just to be thin?  Should I “own” this body or loathe it?  Currently I hate it, but the woman at VS yesterday made me wonder why I hate it so much.  I’ve got boobs for days, and I guess some women out there would give anything for that.  Even go under the knife.  For me, it’s the thigh gap.  Yes, I know!  It’s unattainable for most women, but I had it once.  When I was a size 2.  So here we go again…  I want to be happy with myself, but I just don’t know where to start.  

Trying again

I always come back to this.  I guess it's because typing is easier and more convenient than writing.  I find blogging to be very cathartic but for some reason I never stick to it.  I don't do it for anyone else but myself.  I guess this time I came back because I need an outlet.  I want some place to gather my thoughts.

It's been almost a year and a half since Lance and I separated.  I'm still struggling with it.  In fact, I don't really know how to describe the myriad of feelings I have about it all.  A friend recently told me that grief is like an ocean... it ebbs and flows.  There are days (mostly nights) when I'm so overwhelmed by it that I cry myself to sleep.  Other times when I feel the unsettling thoughts creeping in I am able to ward them off by intentionally thinking about something else.  I don't know why that method works only sometimes.  I guess the emotions build and when I can no longer ignore them I am forced to purge.  I don't like it.  I feel worthless.  I feel like a failure.  I hate myself for what I did.  I can't reconcile with myself.  I often wonder how long it will take for this grief to end, or if it will follow me throughout my life.  I can honestly say that divorce is the single worst experience I have ever had and it has taken it's toll on me.  I now weigh 40 pounds more than I did before the divorce.  The weight came on so rapidly over the last year that I have massive red stretch marks all over my stomach and thighs.  I hate the way I look.  I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life.  I feel ugly all the time.  My recent attempts at losing weight have been unsuccessful.  I am so ready to feel (and look) healthy again... but I don't know where to start.  When I exercise it feels like I'm getting nowhere.  It's going to take a long time to lose 40+ pounds.  And food.  I just can't stop eating everything that I know is horrible for me... but I keep telling myself that "I've done it before, I can do it again."